xloserxkiwixx - Bzoink.com http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal Bzoink / Bzoink.com http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/24247.html?mode=read i am not a failure. i can turn this around. every second is another chance. why am i wasting them? i am not beneath her. i am human, just like she is. he wants to know why it's sudden, this is not sudden. love, this has been coming for awhile. can we get past this awkward break-up? can we just begin our friendship again? apparently not. i know there is questions, but they aren't questions i can answer. it's like the stuffed animal i've had sense i was born has become a stranger to me as well. everything is new, is strange, i don't understand. i feel so lost. and defiant of everything around me. i hate it. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/24247.html?mode=read Sun, 20 Sep 2009 21:55:22 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/24229.html?mode=read I'M GOING TO AFI http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/24229.html?mode=read Sun, 20 Sep 2009 10:55:09 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/24228.html?mode=read he is my best friend. i love him as my best friend. it was right to not lead him on. despite how well he took it, i feel horrible. HATE ME. anyway, so now i'm single. and fairly certain i want to stay that way at least until i can tell everyone i like girls (: i wouldn't want to bring a girl home and it be a surprise ;D yeah right, they all know, i just am fooling myself. i won't find anyone anyways. not anyone i want. just everyone who wants me. which sucks because i never want them oh well. i guess, life moves on. i feel better sort of. i would feel more whole with a signifigant other but that's just because i don't like being alone i need to belong to someone. i guess really i just need someone to love me. haha. love me unconditionally. because no one has ever. at least, my mother never has. i'm always looking for what my mother never gave me. maybe i shouldn't. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/24228.html?mode=read Sun, 20 Sep 2009 10:53:13 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23652.html?mode=read twitter.com/xSarahAelith (: follow me? I'll follow youu. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23652.html?mode=read Sun, 30 Aug 2009 20:40:03 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23634.html?mode=read bulletin on myspace posted by ex-friend; "I never knew how horrible anti life pills were until now. now i know im not going to fuck up my life with them. not like anyone would care enough to get me anything to help me anyway. Haha. And im close to my new best friend. ;D" btw, she's called me a drug addict. oh, and she calls my meds "anti-life" because it apparently makes me into like someone else completely. but of course, that could be because i turned into someone who realized she was uber depressed and i couldn't handle it. but hey, i guess me not being able to handle her expecting me to do things for her makes me "anti-life" my response to this? in another myspace bulletin; [scuze the language, i'm not good with censorship.] "i've not fucked up my life, other people have. i will find someone better than you. i don't depend on anything except my music. i've done nothing in 2009 that i regret. nothing there's so much more i could say, but hey, that'd make it obvious. enjoy your life." rah, anywho, idc anymore. it's just this is a journal and i figure this is what you do to ya know journals write. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23634.html?mode=read Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:33:28 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23614.html?mode=read i want thattttt. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23614.html?mode=read Sat, 29 Aug 2009 20:07:34 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23559.html?mode=read OHEMGEE. I owe my life to three people now (: My sister who will help me pay for it My sister in law who will take me to it && Dallis from Richmond, VA :D AFI http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23559.html?mode=read Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:49:05 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23554.html?mode=read stupid thing. such a waste of money. ugh. can't even hold f'ckin dvds. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23554.html?mode=read Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:41:45 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23553.html?mode=read in that video i posted a few days ago it's uh, from k.o.3anguo and i'm obsessed with that mess. and xiu http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23553.html?mode=read Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:10:57 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23552.html?mode=read meh. my doctor somehow turned into my psych? wow. whatever. just because you say i need to get motivated doesn't mean i'm gonna be. sorry, nothin' works like that. my brain works in reverse. i know i'm gonna grow up to be nothin' for some reason my depression is getting worse. i keep crying about it, but i can't like do anything. see that's called depression you want to fix it but you convince yourself it could be worse. i don't know why i'm so depressed :/ nothing new has happened to set it off. i mean, i just cry now, everytime someone looks at me. i used to never cry :/ now it's like every two minutes. maybe it's because i'm alone, and it's all my fault. i noticed, i probably have mommy issues. i look for like motherly characteristics in like girls before i'm all "awz, i love you" because my mom hates me :/ and with guys i'm just all "well, whoever likes me, i'll dig it" then later i'm all "i never liked you. it's just you liked me." that's my problem, I DON'T LIKE ANYONE. but when they like me i'm all "i'll take what i can get" but later i'm miserable. my boyfriend keeps calling me. i keep not answering. he's probably pissed. but that's okay. i'm emotionally distancing myself because i wasn't that physically close to begin with so like after i'm all emotionally detatched i can be all "go screw yourself ;D" and not really care. that's horrible isn't it? :/ ugh. i'm horrible aren't i? people should hate me. maybe that's why i hate myself because NO ONE else will. :/ i want that guy at food lion. i'll go chill with him and watch wrestlemania and forget everything xD too bad i'm not friends with him :/ wish i was, he'd be excellent. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23552.html?mode=read Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:06:51 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23448.html?mode=read When he breaks your face would that be too much? Do you call it rape? Do you call it love? -abused by uh oh! explosion she said he's so sweet i wanna lick the wrapper then she licked me like a lollipop -lollipop [cover] by framing hanley And I ain't sippin' on a mixed drink, pinkie out, lips pink, Talkin' to a rich skank filled up like a sperm bank, I'm 'a go where I always go; Drinks are on the house, Whiskey's on the rocks while your sister's on my mouth -richman by 3oh!3 (: these lyrics make me stop crying. that and the meet me at the hotel motel song xD; poor huang zhong. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23448.html?mode=read Sun, 23 Aug 2009 09:46:38 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23447.html?mode=read great, i guess i'm no longer apart of family time. i guess no one but my older sister and mother are anymore. as they left me, and my sister. oh, i bet you they took layla. and i bet you they are going to go to the store and not buy my dog food because they fucking are assholes. they KNOW he's out of food. but i bet they say it's my responsibility. it's a good thing i have my grandma. ugh. i'm going to go take a shower, and wash all the tears off. i hate them. i'm the spoiled brat yet everything i get i have to buy myself. i hate my mother. http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23447.html?mode=read Sun, 23 Aug 2009 09:38:16 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23417.html?mode=read http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23417.html?mode=read Fri, 21 Aug 2009 23:19:38 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23263.html?mode=read mkay, so i know my "best friend" is blaming me for us not talking. but it's all chill. screw her, if she doesn't want to work for our friendship then i don't f-king need her do i? besides, i've replaced her already with my sister. oh and i'm sure she blames me having a boyfriend for why this is going on. god, i wish she would f-king grow up! she's so annoying thinking she knows everything there is to know. + i have to put up with her hate for humans, undying passhionate hate btw, while i'm over here fighting for human rights. i mean god. anyway, i think i'm gay (: because i'm not sexually/physically attracted to boys only emotionally attatched. i am however both of those towards females. i would say that is a good indicator no? too bad i have no one to talk to about this. my grandmother thinks i shouldn't support gays if they don't have a disease that makes them gay. my mother would disown me fer sure. everyone would just treat me all awkward and shit :/ it's like they've never been around a gay person before ha. i don't know what to do about my boyfriend though. i'm a whore. i can't be in a relationship, because then i want freedom. mostly because i never wanted the relationship. i may get all excited about it and everything, but yeah. i just want to be friends. i've never gone out with a girl before so i can't tell that experience. but seriously. every guy who likes me is mentally f-ked. i can't deal with that stress. go get some counseling. gah. oh +& i usually never like the guy back, i just like hanging with them, and having someone talk to me & love me ect. it's just like having a brother. that's all i want. now how do i put that to my boyfriend? who loves me, never plans to leave me, ugh. :/ and he probably doesn't like gay people. or he does, but he doesn't like respect them. something like that. iwishhewouldunderstandandwecouldstillbefriends. he's a great friend, amazing friend. he's one of my best friends. i love him. but, maybe, i'm not in love with him. :/ http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23263.html?mode=read Wed, 12 Aug 2009 20:15:59 EDT http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23016.html?mode=read so, i think my best friend is avoiding me. as i texted her yesterday, and she didn't respond. eh oh well. i mean if i say i don't want to like be your friend because the relationship is too stressful and then you stop talking to me, instead of trying to fix the situation -shrugs- anyway, i need to stop spending my money otherwise i will have nothing for warped tour. maybe i can con my parents out of twenty dollars. i currently have $23. tonight i am possibly getting $30 and um, next week thirty dollars and possibly 10. Now i must go buy lunch. gah, -slaps self- http://www.bzoink.com/~xloserxkiwixx/journal/23016.html?mode=read Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:46:49 EDT