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April 15, 2009 at 7:32pm
Mood: melancholy
Music: If You Only Knew by Shinedown
Subject: I need some advise or consoling.
I have no idea what I am to do anymore. I think I may have lost the love of my life. For a while now things have been going downhill. I think it's kind of a guy thing that when they see that things aren't going so well and they are upset they tend to withdraw themselves somewhat. But in my head I was feeling like he didn't care as much anymore and as time went on that feeling became stronger and I felt him slipping further away. Knowing this just made me so scared that I was going to lose him and that feeling has gotten the best of me and I haven't been myself and I panic so easily over anything. I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong that was pushing him away. I just couldn't help to think that if I was him would I want to be with me? It made so much sense to me that he would not want to be around me.
One day he said he didn't have to work this one Saturday and asked if I would like to hang out with him and I said yeah. That day was also the day of my grand parents Easter diner so that would mean we'd only get to spend a couple hours with each other and he said he would probably just drop me off there b/c he's not a big fan of food (don't get me wrong, he's not anorexic, he just has little interest in food but he does eat enough to be healthy) and he doesn't think my family likes him. It made so much sense to me that hanging out that day would sound unappealing. A few days later he heard that he might have to work so he told me he wasn't sure if he would have to or not. The next day his boss told him he had to work that day.
When he went to work that day his boss said that they didn't need him and he later told me then it was too late for him to get a hold of me so he asked some of his other friends to go to the mall with him. Someone told me that they heard about him going to the mall with them. It would make sense to me that he would hang out with them and not tell me about it b/c I hate them b/c they treat me like shit and harass me all the time for no reason but they're nice to him and they want to hang out with him again since we broke up like a month ago (when we broke up we made plans on getting back together but they've recently been shot to shit). I try to not let it show that it hurt me to know he hangs out and talks with them even though I know it's stupid b/c he has no reason to hate any one of them b/c they never did anything to him.
I could not find any reason why he wouldn't lie to me about where he was so he didn't have to hear my shit b/c I felt like I was just a burden to him. Still it upset me to feel like that all was a total lie. Because I jump to these conclusions before I asked him about it, I lost him b/c who would want to be with someone like that.
I know I'm only 16 but I know he is my one true love and I hate myself for failing at the one thing that I wanted the most in life. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just die b/c I don't think I deserve to live. I don't know at all if I will ever find any hope for anything anymore....
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