October 24, 2009 at 3:51pm
Mood: dying inside.
Music: The Bleeding - Five Finger Death Punch

The pain seriously hurts too much. And it's been going on too long. Nothing's working. I'm trying. Why doesn't anyone understand that I don't enjoy being like this? The one reason I had to hold on is slowly slipping through my fingers and tearing me apart. I don't know how much longer I'll last...

September 29, 2009 at 10:39am
Mood: calm
Music: Jordin Sparks - Battlefield
Subject: another udate xoxo

so its time for another update...
Things on my side of the world are good.
You all know ive moved house to be beachfront and i have the boy!
Its been almost two months now :) and going well.
Its hard with him living a bit of a distance but afterall its not that far.
Besides the love life, uhhh...
old friends who are no longer friends anymore causing trouble for me and my new friends.
I keep thinking to myself why the hell they are trying to start on us and i know what it
is JEALOUSY, get over yourselves...

Im glad i have some of the most amazing friends in the world.

Brad - without you i would be nothing, you are the reason i wake up every morning smiling.
You have helped me through some of the toughest times that have came my way. I love you.

Ben and Dan - You kids amaze me literally, everything you do and say no matter what it is
i always smile and laugh and just always put me in a good mood.

Kate - sisters for life (L)

Scotty - i can tell you anything knowing you will keep it a secret.
ive told you secrets that no one else knows and i know i can trust you.
Weve told eachother things we havent told anyone else.
Youre a best friend to me and you mean the world, youre amazing.

Matthius - YOU ARE AMAZING... i cant believe i lost contact with you for so long.
Im glad we are back in contact, you deserve the world, because you are simply one of the most amazing human beings alive.

Tyler - My Boy (L)
we have our ups and downs and you know what - we come through it stronger.
I dont think you realise how much i actually care for you and how much being in your arms means to me.
Last week could have changed our lives, but it didnt and it makes me wonder and i know i want this.


(L)
xoxoxoxo

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September 20, 2009 at 9:48pm
Music: medicate-afi.
Subject: basix

i am not a failure. i can turn this around. every second is another chance. why am i wasting them? i am not beneath her. i am human, just like she is.

he wants to know why it's sudden, this is not sudden. love, this has been coming for awhile. can we get past this awkward break-up? can we just begin our friendship again? apparently not. i know there is questions, but they aren't questions i can answer.

it's like the stuffed animal i've had sense i was born has become a stranger to me as well. everything is new, is strange, i don't understand.

i feel so lost. and defiant of everything around me.
i hate it.

September 20, 2009 at 10:57am
Subject: btw;;

I'M GOING TO AFI<3

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September 20, 2009 at 10:49am
Mood: D:
Music: runaway-three days grace
Subject: i need to give these boys ring tones.

he is my best friend.
i love him as my best friend.
it was right to not lead him on.

despite how well he took it,
i feel horrible.

HATE ME.

anyway, so now i'm single.
and fairly certain i want to stay that way
at least until i can tell everyone i like girls (:

i wouldn't want to bring a girl home and it be a surprise ;D
yeah right, they all know, i just am fooling myself.

i won't find anyone anyways.
not anyone i want.

just everyone who wants me.
which sucks because i never want them

oh well.
i guess, life moves on.
i feel better sort of.

i would feel more whole with a signifigant other
but that's just because i don't like being alone
i need to belong to someone.

i guess really i just need someone to love me.
haha.
love me unconditionally.
because no one has ever.

at least, my mother never has.
i'm always looking for what my mother never gave me.


maybe i shouldn't.
<3