Topic: I won't be on as much...
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dipsliderideout


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 09:48 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Get better, soon, Ashley. :)

As others have said, we're all here to help out/listen, so don't be afraid to tell us or don't feel embarrassed to tell us. But at the same time, don't feel like you are being forced to. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine too and perfectly understandable.
It's not about how someone is, it's about who they are. If you think in terms of how, you're missing the point.
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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 09:53 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Ah!
Get better soon girl!
trying to search for a purpose I am Ari. ilyNancy
roxy-ryan


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 10:01 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Naww get better soon.
Love love xoxo


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 11:42 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Thanks everyone.

I'm going to talk about it on here. I don't really know if anyone of you will be able to offer any advice or anything but you're more then welcome to if you have anything. I'm mainly just posting this to vent/for someone to listen so don't feel like you have to offer any help. :)

A few years ago (I've posted this in the relationship thread so some of you may already know) I was with this guy (I'll call him S). I guess the whole relationship was kind of shocking to me because I was never someone who wanted/needed a boyfriend but this gorgeous guy came into my life and I fell for him, hard. Everything went great for about a year and then we started to drift and he started going out with this model (I'm going to call her G), they dated for a little over two years. I've always been a thin person and I know this deep down but seeing him with that model did something to me. It's really stupid to do this to myself over a guy so I don't think him dating her was the only thing that contributed to this. Anyhow, their relationship was on and off for years so I kept getting my hopes up that every time they broke up he would come back to me. Every time he didn't I thought it was because I was fat and ugly (I know it sounds ridicules).

It started off as a pretty small thing, I thought I was fat but didn't really do anything about it except exercise a little more. When it started I weighed a healthy 100 pounds. Last September it got to the point where I only ate three meals on rare occasions. In December it really started to intensify, I would eat but only two meals a day with no sugar or soda and tons of exercise. This would only last for about a week at a time. In March everything got worse, I started checking nutrition facts on everything I ate and counting calories. In that same month I got weighed (it might have been off) and I turned out being 90lbs.

These thoughts seemed to calm down a little in early April but it started to come back in the middle of the month. Worse, I cried every time I ate and constantly put myself down. After it came back I was assigned a paper in Health class to do about anorexia. I realized the thoughts I was having weren't healthy but I didn't think I had a eating disorder or anything because I still ate. I started doing research for the paper and noticed I had about 8 or 9 (it's probably more by now) of the signs. I immediately found a LiveJournal community about eating disorders and went on there and posted all my signs and stuff. Multiple people told me I had a good possibly on having an eating disorder and I should see a doctor or something. I didn't, I knew my parents would be mad and I fear what they will say so I can't tell them. I tried to get better on my own because I know there are some people who had an eating disorder and made a recovery on their own.

In late May the thoughts and worries came back again and it hasn't gone away since. That same month I found out S and G had broken up for good but it didn't stop all my problems like I thought it would. When I weighed myself in March I think the scale didn't work very good so I could have weighed this all the time but when I went to the doctors I found out I weighed 92lbs. I was so ashamed, you guys are the only ones I've told about this. I can't even tell my best friend, I'm just so upset about it.

I've developed a severe fear of gaining weight. I count every calorie, make sure I burn over 600 calories a day, and only consume 750-800 calories in a day, sometimes less. When I look in the mirror I criticize myself badly to the point where I'm in tears. I know I'm stupid for doing this but it's like I've taken some kind of really bad drug and can't control my mind anymore. I keep forcing myself to lose two pounds and it just gets really hard sometimes. I wish I could control my mind, the only time I can seem to do so is when I listen to the Bealtes or John Lennon. I'm not depressed, in fact I hardly cry. When you have the early signs on anorexia, though your suppose to be really happy so that's why I'm wondering if possibly I do have it.

I'm embarrassed I let myself get into this. I know I need to see a therapist but I refuse to. I don't feel conformable telling some stranger about my problems, it's none of their business.

I must have been a really bad person in a past life to have all this happen to me. I don't even know anymore, every time I put myself down or something I think "This self pity this isn't you, you have to be stronger." I can't even remember what it's like to not have these uncontrollable thoughts. I don't want this disease, I want it gone. I'm sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who read all the way through this. I'm really glad I have this place to go to and be able to talk about this without getting judged. -Hugs to all of you-
Hi, I'm Ashley-
http://twitter.com/_ashleyrose__
http://www.formspring.me/norwegianwood9
http://norwegianwood9.tumblr.com/

animefreak13


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 11:52 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
I held my peepee to read all that! tmi...I know.

anehwhooo

Ashley...you're beautiful. No matter what. And DO NOT. let anyone tell you different. If that boy didn't see you for who you are that's rediculous. You're amazing!

And I think you should go to your parents. They shouldn't get angry; they should be happy to help. That's what parents are supposed to do. I don't want you hurt or sad and critisizing yourself for something that you need help with. If you really feel you can fix it on your own then go ahead and try. I hope this helped. Good luck! I love you!
"And isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic.."

Nyna. 17. I loves you. kBai now.
xkelster462x


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 11:56 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
I read that whole thing. And I mean I never went through it I'm opposite. I eat whenever I'm depressed or mad or whatever. It's not good at all. I'm almost 400+ it's so scary everytime I look at a scale. I hate it so much. And I've been trying to drink lots of water more and I still don't feel a difference. I'm so worried that I will die at 20 and I really don't want to because I have so much I want to do with my life.

I've done stupid crap all because of my weight. I tried to kill myself which is the lowest you could go. I actually kinda saw the light and it was so fricken scary and now because of that. I probably won't ever be the same as I was before. My childhood was ruined because my parents were always fighting and I got raped and was to busy worrying about what other people thought.

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holloway


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 12:11 PM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
I agree with Nyna.
I believe you should go to your parents and hope they can help you. And I think everyone goes through the stage of how they look.
You can overcome this if you give it what you have, and you are very,very pretty and you shouldn't let anyone tell you any different.
We love you Ashley, and we are all here to help you.

Good luck hun!
"When the sky turns gray
and everything is screaming
I will reach inside
just to find my heart is beating"
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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 12:28 PM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Thanks, guys. I really appreciate your help and I love you all too. :)

And just for the record, I don't care what other people think of me and this whole thing isn't for anyone else. I'm doing it because I think it will make me feel better about myself which I know is crazy. I feel like I can fix this on my own, I know deep down I'm stronger then this and skinny. I know that's more then most anorexics can say, it's going to be hard but I know I have everyone's support on here. If I do let this get worse I realize I'll have to tell my parents but right now I think it will be best to keep it from them. You see, my mom is extremely overprotective and I think she may just have a heart attack if she found out all this so I think I should keep this from her right now. I couldn't do that kind of thing, it would make me feel worse and I'd really just like some space while I try to get better.

Kelly, I'm sorry to hear about that. I can't say I know exactly what you're going through but I do know how it feels to struggle with weight problems and insecurities. The only advice I can give you is to eat and exercise healthily. You seem like a great person and I'm sure you can get healthy again if you try. Cut down your soda intake and eat lots of veggies and fruits. If you ever need to talk or something you can message me. :)
Hi, I'm Ashley-
http://twitter.com/_ashleyrose__
http://www.formspring.me/norwegianwood9
http://norwegianwood9.tumblr.com/

holloway


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 12:44 PM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Awh.
Well, I hope whatever your choice, it works out for you.
And us Bzoinkers will do the best we can to help you.

We love you [:
"When the sky turns gray
and everything is screaming
I will reach inside
just to find my heart is beating"
xkelster462x


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 05:20 PM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Ash, I love youuuuuu. You will get through this I promise.

Follow Me: http://omgitskell.tumblr.com/
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mizzshears


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 06:37 PM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
There's no need to feel ashamed about your problem, the first thing you need to do to help yourself is realise you do have a problem and it needs to be sorted. We all love you and we want you to be healthy for ever. I'm sure your mum would apreciate it if you did tell her, so she can try and help you, and she'd know that you trust her enough to tell her.
Post anything you like on here, tell us how it's going it might help you to get better if you know people that will respond and listen to you :]
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macaroniixox


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Posted: 16 Jul 2009 11:23 PM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
you don't have to be ashamed . you can trust us . and we will be here for you . you will get through this ! we all love you !
all time low is thee best ( :

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ouilleaux


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Posted: 17 Jul 2009 01:49 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Aw, you're absolutely beautiful and wonderful and we all love you!!

I weigh 150 pounds and feel self-conscious about it sometimes, but in the end all that matters is how I feel about myself. You shouldn't have to hurt yourself to make yourself feel better. :] One of my friends is a model too, and it has just led me to realize that nobody has the same body type.. and it's not a bad thing.
We're all here for you, and I'm glad you were able to talk about it. :]
Emotional Landscapes.
Björk
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Posted: 17 Jul 2009 10:32 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Thanks guys. You guys are all so supportive, it makes me love you all 10,000 times more. :)

I'm feeling alright so far today, we're having a BBQ tonight so I'm pretty sure I'll eat for that and I'm about to eat breakfast. It makes me feel much better to know that all of you guys care. I have a math test to take today, I failed the last one and that didn't help my confidence so I hope I do good on this one.
Hi, I'm Ashley-
http://twitter.com/_ashleyrose__
http://www.formspring.me/norwegianwood9
http://norwegianwood9.tumblr.com/

haleigh22


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Posted: 17 Jul 2009 10:39 AM         Subject: RE: I won't be on as much...
Good luck on your test. Don't stress out about it, you will do fine =]

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

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