Topic: Writing A Story
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kellyburnsred


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Posted: 31 Mar 2013 10:16 PM       Subject: Writing A Story
My cousin Sierra recently published a book that she wrote so it inspired me to write a book of my own. I'm not sure if I'm going to publish it, but it's just something fun I want to do. I've started it but I'm not anywhere finished yet but I thought I would show you guys what I have so far.

The title of the book is Jojo's Fashion Show

Chapter 1 - Graduation Day
Today is April twenty third, two thousand eleven, at 6 am on a Monday morning. This is the best day of Madison's life, and the weather is surprisingly perfect, normally in April it rains, but she really lucked out this time. Today is Madison's graduation, her whole family just about is planning to come and watch her get her diploma, later on her family is going to take her out to dinner, and have a little get together with friends/family to celebrate as well.

Madison skips down the stairs joyfully, she can't contain herself she's so happy to be finally graduating high school. Who knew 4 years would go by so quickly? Good morning Madison, her mother shouts as she hears Madison coming down the stairs. Madison says good morning back in a jolly, cheerful voice. Are you excited to be finally leaving high school her father asked. Of course I am daddy, says Madison. Mmm, what's that lovely smell, asked Madison? That's just your breakfast sweetie, says Madison's mom. I made eggs, pancakes, french toast, sausage, and some hash browns. Madison, grabs her plate and places it down gently at the kitchen table right next to her father whom was already eating of course. Her mother asked, would you like apple juice or orange juice to drink sweetheart? Madison, calmly said I'll have some apple juice please, thanks mother for the lovely breakfast Madison said. Madison's mother grabbed her plate as well and they all sat down together and ate their breakfast, mother only had french toast though with a cup of coffee. After everyone was done eating, it was time for Madison to get ready for the graduation. She had to get showered, do her hair, etc. Madison puts her plate in the sink and runs upstairs to get ready. First she gets in the shower, she got new shampoo/conditioner just for the graduation that smells like lilacs and daisies, and then she also got body wash just for the graduation that smells like vanilla. She was in the shower for about 30 minutes, as she got out she dried off. Even though, her outfit would be covered by her graduation gown she still wanted to wear something nice under it. Madison got a new dress from the store Rue 21 which was Madison's favorite store. It was pink/black, long, and strapless, it looked lovely on her. She also got a pair of nice silver high heels from the Deb Shop they were very sparkly, and she also got some accessories to go with the dress. After she got dressed it was time to do her hair. Normally, Madison's hair is very curly, but she wanted to do something different she ended up just straightening her hair, and put a little pink bow in her hair. She looked very pretty already, but of course she wasn't anywhere close to being done yet. Finally, she had to put makeup on of course. She put some eyeliner on, some pink eyeshadow which really made her blue eyes pop, black mascara, and a light pink lip gloss. Madison shouted, alright I'm ready to graduate high school! I hope everyone else is as well. Madison's mom was ready as well and she walked down the hall from her bedroom to Madison's bedroom, Madison's mother was in total shock Madison didn't do her makeup/hair much at all, her mother was speechless. She couldn't believe that her baby girl their only child was about to graduate high school and would be going off to college in a few short months. Her mother looked at her with tears in her eyes, and tried to tell her she looked beautiful but it was hard for her mother. As she's trying to say the words, Madison's father walks down and notices his wife struggling to say the words, so her father says, I think what your mother is trying to tell you is that you look beautiful and that she can't believe her eyes and she's really proud of you. Madison smiled, and hugged her mother and father and said thanks so much. It wasn't all my job, you really did most of the work Madison said. Madison then said you both look lovely as well. Madison's father was in just a regular dress shirt with nice dress pants nothing to fancy, and his he actually combed his hair this time, which normally he does not. Madison said to her father, wow dad you really clean up nicely, you should do it more often Madison said in a sarcastic voice. Madison's father shook his head, you better change your attitude young lady (jokingly of course) or you won't be getting your graduation gift. Madison said to her father, alright fine I'll stop please don't I want me gift, she was freaking. Her mother was wearing a nice pink blouse and a beautiful black skirt with very nice wedges. They both looked fantastic. Madison's mother finally wasn't as emotional anymore. Her mother hugged her and kissed her on the cheek and said let's go downstairs and you can see your graduation gift. Madison's mom got a blind fold to put over her daughters eyes. Madison's mom asked can you see anything? Madison replied, nope I can't see a thing mom! Madison's mom said alright perfect, let's go then. Madison's parents guided her down the stairs and kept telling her don't peek, almost there etc. Madison kept giggling saying I'm so excited I can't wait to see what it is, blah blah. They finally arrived in front of the surprise and said to Madison, okay we made it we're here, are you ready? Madison said excitedly yes! Madison's parents counted to 3, and took off her blind fold. Madison stood there in shock as to what her parents got her. Madison shouted YOU GOT ME A CAR! I can't believe you! You guys are amazing, I love it. Madison's parents got her a red Ford Mustang, which Madison dreamt of owning one her whole life. Madison was jumping up and down and hugging her parents and just was extremely excited and surprised. Madison's parents said you can ride this to your graduation. Madison just couldn't contain her excitement she was thrilled.


(Still working on chapter one) that's what I have so far though. Feedback would be lovely.
Kelly Nikole
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rollingstarr


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Posted: 01 Apr 2013 05:17 PM         Subject: RE: Writing A Story
Sorry in advance if this seems rude or anything! I'm in no way trying to be rude.

Use quotation marks (" ") when characters speak so the reader doesn't get confused. So it would be: "Good morning, Madison." Her mother shouted.

Past tense usually sounds better but I think you could keep it in present tense.

Other than that I think it's pretty good.
kellyburnsred


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Posted: 03 Apr 2013 11:26 AM         Subject: RE: Writing A Story
Thanks for the feedback, I also agree it looked very confusing, I just didn't know what to do to fix it.
Kelly Nikole
Hopeless romantic
DayDreamer/NightThinker
Moonchild

Love~Live~Laugh
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