Topic: my stories.
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Posts: 1
Pwned Newbie
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Posted: 09 Mar 2007 03:38 PM       Subject: my stories.
Would you read them and give me your honest opinion about them?

this one is called heartbreaker

this one is called Age Is Just A Number

Thank you :D[/url]

Posts: 3667
Wannabe Rockstar
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Posted: 10 Mar 2007 05:25 AM         Subject: RE: my stories.
I read the first one, and I think it could be elaborated on a bit more. It seems too fast paced, I think? Play around more with getting inside the characters heads, maybe, and add in some more details. On the other hand, it's still fairly short, so there hasn't been a lot of time to get to know the characters..

..Particular reason you split the chapters up like you did? Also, you have a broken italics code in one of the chapter one bits. I.. don't remember which one.
remember when?

Posts: 1313
Unstoppable Bzoinker
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Posted: 10 Mar 2007 07:01 AM         Subject: RE: my stories.
Advance warning: I'm a harsh critic. If you ask for my honest opinion, you may not like what you hear sometimes. Apologies now for any offence caused.

Heartbreaker: Paragraphs very short. This can be good if you're trying to convey a fast-paced action mood, but that's not what you're aiming for here. Try to expand them and elaborate. At the moment, the story is very much "This happened. Then this happened. Then something else happened." It could do with being extended - more description, for instance, to set the mood. At the same time, though, be wary of superfluous description. As a basic rule of thumb, if it doesn't add something to the reader's understanding of the characters or the story, don't put it in (this means mentions of clothes are okay, since they show us something of what the character is like - but watch you don't go OTT on describing people's appearances just for the sake of adding description.) I'm the worst person in the world for doing this, which is possibly why I'm so painfully aware of it in other people's work!
A lot of the paragraphs start with direct speech - makes it look very samey. Try to get a bit of variety in there.
The broken italics tag is in chapter one, part 2, after 'Engaged?'. Just so you know.
Finally, show not tell. If you can, avoid bald statements of a chracter's feeling. "She was disappointed." "She felt lonely", and so on. (This aren't necessarily direct quotes from your work, I'm making them up, but the idea is there.) Instead, show how the character is feeling through their actions.

Age Is Just A Number - I'm not keen on opening with song lyrics, but that's my personal preference.
Matt's reaction at the end of part three seems a little too muted. If some chick, 67 years my junior, that I'd only just met asked to come live with me, I -- can't repeat what I'd say on a PG-13 board, actually, but I think his reaction would be a bit more extreme.
Finally, it's difficult to tell because there's only a small part of the story up so far, but I'm hoping that we're going to get some clue as to what Linda's doing out in the middle of nowhere all on her loneself sometime soon. I'm no good with mystery, I'm far too impatient. XP

On the plus side though, you can spell and your punctuation is mostly great, so brownie points to you! (I cannot even begin to describe how picky I am over poor grammar. It just - argh.) I'd like to be able to offer some comments on the content of the stories themselves, but I was so busy pulling apart the actual writing I didn't really take in what they were about very well! Sorry.
If I were a teacher, I'd write 'Promising' on the bottom of this. In red pen. But I'm not, so I won't. But the intention is there. XP

Posts: 1696
Unstoppable Bzoinker
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Posted: 10 Mar 2007 10:25 PM         Subject: RE: my stories.
Two points:
1. It was confusing as to who was saying what at some points.
2. The commas made me slow down and read everything twice. When you want to stress another adjective, commas aren't always the best way to go. You could be artsy and put it as a seperate sentence. Or you could use dashes. They're always fun. I'm not going to suggest italics since you're already using them for thought.
I might as well point out that I agree with Keriana and Karora in saying that some paragraphs are too short. They need some meat to them, so-to-speak.
Otherwise, yes, you're at a good start.
"I rock so hard I should be studied by geologists." - Me.
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