Topic: Ok, so I actually write a lot
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iloveharrypotter


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Posted: 09 Jun 2009 12:11 PM       Subject: Ok, so I actually write a lot
But never really post them anywhere.
So here's one that I wrote a while ago called Worst Night Ever.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. The endless sounds of countless machines running in the bleak hospital. Little Sans Hospital has never seemed so quiet. So creepy. It was driving me insane. Her parents were in there. They had gone over the limit, with her thousands of siblings, so I couldn't go in yet. Me and our best friend, Taylor sat perfectly still in our excruciatingly uncomfortable chairs. We both knew what was going to happen that night. This would probably be the worst night of our lives. My girlfriend, the love of my fricking life, was laying in there dying. Isabel Grace Minnford. What a beauty. Had a bit of a bitter streak, but she was nice nonetheless. Slowly, her 6 siblings filed out. Kenziee, Carson, Emmie, Lola, Shane, Shawn. Her now permanently tear-stained mother shuffled out. She gave us the most grim smile I had ever seen. We stood up, taking that as our cue that we could go in. Room 26, they had told us. Unmentionable, what she looked like. Her brittle face smiled lightly. “Hey guys,” She smiled impossibly, “Cancer's a bitch, right?”

Tears never stopped streaming that night. Taylor was a rock, she never cried. Devastation overwhelmed like candy in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. God, did I wish it was candy instead of lukemia rocking through her body right now. It had spread to her heart, they told us. Probably a matter of minutes now. “Jake?” she uttered the first of her last words. I was almost shocked out of my seat, no one had made a sound for half an hour. “Yes, baby?” I drawled. “I-i-i-i L-o-o-v-ov-e y-o-u-u.” The words barely made it out before a neverending beep screeched from the machine. I was out of tears. Her parents were entirely broken when we told them. We were all so speechless, we were sadly emotionless. Me and Taylor barely spoke to anyone for the next 6 months at least. That was, the worst night of our lives.


Ew I haven't read it in awhile, it's really bad.
But anyways, constructive criticism is appreciated.
friendly-fire


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Posted: 09 Jun 2009 12:18 PM         Subject: RE: Ok, so I actually write a lot
It has a really good plot, it's not that bad at all. I got goosebumps when the girl passed away. It's a very emotional but lovely piece of writing. :)
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iloveharrypotter


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Posted: 09 Jun 2009 07:42 PM         Subject: RE: Ok, so I actually write a lot
:D
Thanks.
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