Topic: Some opinions please...
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Posted: 23 Apr 2009 10:16 AM       Subject: Some opinions please...
For English I have to write a 3-4 page essay about whether or not I think the United States should have dropped the A-bomb on Hiroshima. My computer crashed a few days ago and I lost my PERFECT intro to the essay. I only had my rough draft saved up so I edited that but I could hardly remember what I put in the good one. I've underlined some of the things I don't like in my new intro and I need some opinions about it. If you know of something I could add to the intro let me know. The intro can't be too wordy.

On August 6, 1945 the Enola Gay flew over the city of Hiroshima, Japan, dropping the world’s first atomic bomb. The bomb was responsible for the death of 80,000 people and destroyed 67% of the cities buildings. This essay will give well researched explanations as to why the bomb was dropped and why I disagree with the use of the bomb.
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roxy-ryan


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Posted: 23 Apr 2009 10:33 AM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
You've def. Started it off well :D


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Posted: 23 Apr 2009 05:27 PM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
One thing I learned in English is that you never use the words "My essay is about...", "I am going to tell you about...", "I am going to discuss..." in your intro. In your thesis statement, or main point in the intro, you are explaining it, so you don't have to announce the fact that you are explaining it, if that makes sense.
But you have that part underlined, so I assume you get that.
It would probably work better if you very briefly state in your introductions the reasons you disagree with the A-bomb dropping, because you will be explaining them further later on in the paper. Your intro needs to explain your main points, but not be too wordy.
Hope that helps. :)
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Posted: 23 Apr 2009 06:47 PM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
Thank you, that helped a lot. :)
Hi, I'm Ashley-
http://twitter.com/_ashleyrose__
http://www.formspring.me/norwegianwood9
http://norwegianwood9.tumblr.com/

friendly-fire


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Posted: 24 Apr 2009 02:20 PM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
Alrighty, I wrote a new intro. It's not really good but it's better then the first one I think.

“This is the greatest thing in history,” exclaimed an ecstatic Harry Truman after he received word about the success of the first atomic bombing. The atomic bombing of Hiroshima may have indeed been the greatest thing in history but also the worse. Japan had already been defeated and was ready to withdrawal from the war. The effects of the bomb were so severe people are still dieing from them today; this makes it vital to ask the question “Was it necessary to drop the bomb?”

Opinions please? :)
Hi, I'm Ashley-
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Posted: 25 Apr 2009 03:08 AM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
Hmm...I think you should mix the first and second intro together...

From the first intro, I liked the part:

On August 6, 1945 the Enola Gay flew over the city of Hiroshima, Japan, dropping the world’s first atomic bomb. The bomb was responsible for the death of 80,000 people and destroyed 67% of the cities buildings.

From the second one:

The effects of the bomb were so severe people are still dieing from them today; this makes it vital to ask the question “Was it necessary to drop the bomb?”

I really like the part where you ask the question, "Was it necessary to drop the bomb?"

Anyways, hope I helped :)

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Posted: 25 Apr 2009 08:12 PM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
I agree. You should mix the two intros together. You have some really good attention getters now. Mixing them together will better clarify your point on why you think the bombing was unnecessary.
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lepixiesan


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Posted: 25 Apr 2009 08:43 PM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
So far, everything sounds great, but double check your spelling (Dieing/Dying). Also, you would want to use the past tense "worst" rather than "worse" in the second intro. Other than that, it sounds great! :D
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Posted: 25 Apr 2009 09:23 PM         Subject: RE: Some opinions please...
I didn't catch the mistakes on those, thanks Wendy and thanks to everyone else. I combined the two and added something a little extra.

On August 6, 1945 the Enola Gay flew over the city of Hiroshima, Japan, dropping the world’s first atomic bomb. The bomb was responsible for the death of 80,000 people and destroyed 67% of the cities buildings. The effects of the bomb were so severe people are still dying from them today; this makes it vital to ask the question “Was it necessary to drop the bomb?” America had pushed Japan off of all the land they occupied in the pacific region and in Europe Hitler was defeated.

I'm probably going to add something else to the end of it but this introduction is definitely my favorite.
Hi, I'm Ashley-
http://twitter.com/_ashleyrose__
http://www.formspring.me/norwegianwood9
http://norwegianwood9.tumblr.com/

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